Depression and suicideal ideation!

Lavender Room
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Let me start this by saying that I am not depressed nor suicidal. Not ATM anyway.

A little while ago I wrote a post about awaking from a deep depression. I have no idea whether is was the new drugs, something happened, or it just past. It doesn’t matter, that dark light has been lifted. Now, as I look back att he last 5-6 months of my life I cannot believe the difference. Hours upon hours of therapy. Days, weeks and months just slipped by while I did nothing. I mean nothing. I din’t pay my bills, I didn’t do my work at the office (Just enough to get by) I let my once beautiful landscape turn to hell with weeds and overgrown trees. I was once so proud of my house, the compliments I would get, then, nothing.

I have started to clean up the weeds and the lawn. I have cut back the trees and my once pristine lawn is makinig a come back. It has a long way to go, but so do I. I have paid my bills and made ammends with my creditors. most were very understanding and some were not. Nothing I can do about it, but I am lt least caught up. I always had the funds, I was just to lazy to pay the damn bills. 2 freaking clicks on the phone.

During that time I had nothing on my mind but suicide. I wanted it. I needed to go. It was a constant thought in my mind. “I wish I was dead” repeated over and over. Everyhting I did I imagined as wrong. Everything I said I imagined as wrong. Nothing I did seemed to satisfy, everything felt flat, boring or just plain out like to much work. I spoke with my therapist and many times he wanted to commit me. I refused and begged and pleaded that I would not do anything. Instead of getting better I had to see him more. he would have his secratary call me. The cops came by my office, my house. each time I stayed out of the intitution.

I was given a neew drug. You have probably seen the commercials, Abilify. I’m not certain, but I can almost say that the drug saved my life. After two weeks on it, I felt better. Things were turning and as I said before, I’m not sure if it was the drug or not, but I turned the corner. I ran out of the samples and went to refill the script. 700 freaking dollars for a month. Are you kidding me? I declined the script and I’m sure once the effects wear off I’ll probably take the plunge. (I guess it is the drugs)

How do people survive? Is mental illness thought of as a made up thing? Is someone saying just snap out of supposed to be the answer? I’m very lucky, I have friends that help me. I have an ex that watches over me. I have a good therapist that helps me with the troubled times.

Suicide seems like such an easier choice, but then I would miss my Bailey…

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good luck.

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700 freaking dollars for a month.

Do you not have insurance? If not I would seriously look at the exchanges. I have no idea what your financial situation is but whatever it is the exchanges seem to be relatively high ended and you can without question find a policy that fits your needs and again depending on income would be subsidized accordingly.

My son is a Type one and his policy is not near 700$ a month and we only pay 2-3 copays of 25-50$ a month for his prescription meds. We burn thru ~$180-$200 a month in test strips alone, retail price, they probably cost $.05 to actual make :slight_smile:

That being said I think depression is one of the most insidious, least understood and often times most villianised diseases/conditions out there. The worst thing about it is that I tend to believe it comes in many different levels from the debilitating and suicidal to the simply demotivating. On top of that I think it can be a purely chemical condition to a purely emotional condition and almost any combination in between which makes dealing, diagnosing and prescribing for it that much more difficult.

For those that have never had to deal with any level of depression I think it’s easy to point the finger and say “Snap out of it” or “Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps”. Clearly in some cases I actually think that is exactly the answer or at least part of it and like any disease some people are using it as an excuse. However, again like any disease, others are genuinely suffering from the effects.

~Matt

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I have a high deductable insurance. I’m not sure what I pay monthly.

For the drug the insurance paid for some of it amd I had a drug card from the drug company that lowered it even further. it was well over a grand.

I’m not concerned about the drug, although I know I will relapse without it. For know I’m on a combination of other drugs thjat seem to be helping. I work and make a decent living, albiet having to work two jobs, and if I really needed it i woukld come up with the money. My concern is for those that have no way of getting he help they need or the drugs. My depression was so deep it was physical. My next step was commitment and ECT. Neither of which I wanted.

I hear how people talk about others that have commited suicide and it boggles my mind on how they think of it. The first thing, Why? Well, they were depressed, that’s why. They didn’t have to go to that extreme. Um, obviously they did. I could have helped them. (This one pisses me off.) Well, why the fuck didn’t you? it very obvious when I’m deprerssed. Lucy tells me she can tell the second I wake up.

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As I sit here, they just dropped off a urine tox on a girl with the DX of suicidal ideation.

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I have a high deductable insurance. I’m not sure what I pay monthly.

Then the drug should not be of any cost to you once you hit the deductible. So if it’s a 2000$ deductible then by the 4th month the cost should be covered. If the drug makes such a significant difference in your life I would definately pay for it until you hit the deductible rather then not having it at all.

~Matt

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I have a high deductable insurance. I’m not sure what I pay monthly.

Then the drug should not be of any cost to you once you hit the deductible. So if it’s a 2000$ deductible then by the 4th month the cost should be covered. If the drug makes such a significant difference in your life I would definately pay for it until you hit the deductible rather then not having it at all.

~Matt

5k deductible. Trust me, if I need it, I will get it.

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Don’t stop at the first “no”. Call the insurance company, ask why it’s so expensive. Many newer and still patented drugs are second and third line. Meaning that if your psych doc can document that you’ve tried and failed other treatment regimens, the insurance company may cover Abilify at a lower cost to you. It’s worth a shot.

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Don’t stop at the first “no”. Call the insurance company, ask why it’s so expensive. Many newer and still patented drugs are second and third line. Meaning that if your psych doc can document that you’ve tried and failed other treatment regimens, the insurance company may cover Abilify at a lower cost to you. It’s worth a shot.

it’s called a pre-auth and we did it. Thanks

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Do you not have insurance? If not I would seriously look at the exchanges. I have no idea what your financial situation is but whatever it is the exchanges seem to be relatively high ended and you can without question find a policy that fits your needs and again depending on income would be subsidized accordingly.

Et tu, Brute?

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Et tu, Brute?

I’ve long stated that there is a huge difference between using the system that exists and actually believing that that system is the right system. Right now ~30-40% of my labor is removed from me via taxation. If I refused any benefit to myself from this fruits of this taxation my quality of life would be dramatically diminished.

Like it or not the ACA is the law of the land. I’m paying for it, you’re paying for, so if I’m ever in a situation where it offers me a better option for less money, I’m doing everything I can to get my damn money back.

If I refused public education, public roads, Social security and the plethora of government services which are available to me that I do not support, i’d probably end up living in a tent somewhere as what I would end up paying extra for to private proactice woudl cost me as much as the 30% or so I’m already paying leaving me pay double for these services to the tune of 60-80% of my total income. Well in fact where education is concerned I already do this and it is a HUGE burden. I would prefer that I only had to pay for my private education.

~Matt

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Pussy.

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One last thing to try. I get a drug through my local pharmacy’s discount program. It is in the QFC grocery. My insurance will only pay if I use their mail service or a nation chain that doesn’t have any stores in WA. For various reasons I don’t trust it so I refill locally. A $600 drug costs me $15.

Is your insurance through work? That is a huge deductible for work provided insurance, especially through a medical facility.

If I ever lose my job I’ll look at the exchanges too. I like the idea of carrying my insurance with me instead of relying on the job and not having to pay ridiculous monthly costs.

I personally would do whatever it takes to afford the meds. I know how it feels to be that depressed and without the meds I might not be here. It has saved me more than once. When you need it, you need it, or life stops even if the physical doesn’t die.

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I was given a new drug. You have probably seen the commercials, Abilify. I’m not certain, but I can almost say that the drug saved my life. After two weeks on it, I felt better. Things were turning and as I said before, I’m not sure if it was the drug or not, but I turned the corner. I ran out of the samples and went to refill the script. 700 freaking dollars for a month. Are you kidding me? I declined the script and I’m sure once the effects wear off I’ll probably take the plunge. (I guess it is the drugs)

It doesn’t seem worth it to chance letting the drug levels in your body drop. This is your LIFE we are talking about… please, fill the script so you are not missing any doses.

Right now I cannot afford the 700 bucks a month. If I had to take the money out of savings I would, but I’m going to chance it. I know for sure I will dip back into depression and the suicidal ideations will return. Of that I have no doubt. If it happens, I will dip into savings for the meds. It’s just very frustrationg to know I need the drugs and the cost of treatment is so out of line. It’s a catch 22. Take the meds and be upset I’m spending so much, or don’t take the drugs and fall into depression.

I can’t imagine how others feel and what they do.

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Pussy.

Says the guy who’s entire job exist due to government regulations :slight_smile:

~Matt

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Pussy.

Says the guy who’s entire job exist due to government regulations :slight_smile:

~Matt

Hey, hey! Easy there, tough guy. No need to get personal.

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A few random thoughts:

Have you talked w your therapist about the Abilify? Until there’s a generic, is there something that’s very close to Abilify?Do you truly believe it’s the Abilify, or is it possible some other events, thoughts, encounters, etc. are responsible for your elevated mood?Preaching to the choir, as you’ve been at this a while, but while you are on Abilify and feeling good - build up and journal as many good experiences as you can. Try to ride those memories or snapshots as long as you can.Don’t talk yourself into another relapse or depression. What if it’s not the drug, and you’re feeling better just bc you’re you?
I’m just a layman, not a professional. So take it for what it’s worth (above). I do know that depression is real. I also know that life is not happy all the time. There are days when we just feel crappy, and that’s okay. But your last run was something very different. I also believe there is no silver bullet on RX - no magic potion. The right mix is needed and can get us halfway there, or at least back to a normal starting point. But it’s up to us from there.

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Abilify has a weird pricing structure.

The 15mg tablets have the lowest retail price ($686.99/30tabs)

For comparison:
The 20mg are $1055
The 2mg are $775

And the tablets are splitable.

So, if your dose is in the 5-10mg range, you could consider splitting the 15mg tablets, which would bring it down to $343/mo, even at full retail.

Good luck
Andy

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A few random thoughts:

Have you talked w your therapist about the Abilify? Until there’s a generic, is there something that’s very close to Abilify?Do you truly believe it’s the Abilify, or is it possible some other events, thoughts, encounters, etc. are responsible for your elevated mood?Preaching to the choir, as you’ve been at this a while, but while you are on Abilify and feeling good - build up and journal as many good experiences as you can. Try to ride those memories or snapshots as long as you can.Don’t talk yourself into another relapse or depression. What if it’s not the drug, and you’re feeling better just bc you’re you?
I’m just a layman, not a professional. So take it for what it’s worth (above). I do know that depression is real. I also know that life is not happy all the time. There are days when we just feel crappy, and that’s okay. But your last run was something very different. I also believe there is no silver bullet on RX - no magic potion. The right mix is needed and can get us halfway there, or at least back to a normal starting point. But it’s up to us from there.

There are no other drugs in it’s class. It’s actually an anti phychotic med, but in lower doses is very good for depression.

I originally thought it wasn’t the drug, but as I typed in thisd thread I realized it must be the drug. It has terrible side effects, such as hallucinations, but i can live with that.

I keep a daily journal. My therapist does not want me to read it though. Some of the things I write freak me out. The thoughts are truly shocking. Suicide, isolation, cutting… Strange shit to read.

Right now I’m on a high and I’m enjoying it. As a stated I have done a lot of things I previously enjoyed. Not the bills :slight_smile:

The depression comes on like a tsunami. One day I’m fine, the next I’m curled up in a dark room crying. I do have an ace in the hole and that’s Lucy. She watches me very closely. She removes all the weapons and leaves me only plastic froks and knives. Sometimes I think its stupid since I can just go out and buy them, but at least they aren’t in the house. Blah!

Things are good right now. I really don’t want this to be a poor me thread. I wrote it to get awareness of depression. Someone can be saved if we all watch out.

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Abilify has a weird pricing structure.

The 15mg tablets have the lowest retail price ($686.99/30tabs)

For comparison:
The 20mg are $1055
The 2mg are $775

And the tablets are splitable.

So, if your dose is in the 5-10mg range, you could consider splitting the 15mg tablets, which would bring it down to $343/mo, even at full retail.

Good luck
Andy

It’s illegal/unethical for the doctor to write aq script for 15mg, knowing I take 7.5. I wouldn’t even ask him.

I take the 2mg tabs - When I can afford them. :slight_smile: Why is a drug like that so damn expensive?

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