So today I guess I had the conversation that effectively sealed the deal. It’s been long over due as far as my family are concerned. I guess I’ve been living in denial but I’m not quite sure why, because I don’t remember a time in our marriage when I was crazy in love with her (Edit - I definitely did feel that way when we first met).
She was the first and only serious relationship I’ve had. We met in a social media type of chat room back in 99. She sounded like she had similar interests. She was feisty. We spent 10 weeks together over that first year. 2 trips for me to Canada and 1 trip for her here in Oz. I popped the question 21 months after our first communication. I went all out on the surprise planning and I’d be surprised if many, inc Hollywood, could top what I did. There were three more trips totalling about 15 weeks of shared time between us. All up we spent between 25-30 weeks together before tying the knot. It was difficult being on polar opposite sides of the globe. On reflection it wasn’t easy to gauge personality traits in that time.
Being the first serious relationship for me I did throw myself into it early. I wanted the best for her and I wanted to help bring out her best. I don’t know whether it was me trying to create something that was my ideal or whether she was seeking the same thing. The start of our marriage was also the time that coincided with my deep participation in triathlon. Cracks soon began to surface. She started to complain about the neglect and I was seeing someone who lacked motivation to do things for herself. We tried arranging job interviews for her etc in the hope that she would meet new, independent people and have others to hang out with. She didn’t put much effort in and nothing eventuated. I threw myself deeper into the sport and there wasn’t really any “us” time at nights. She started to resent me taking her from her family and I was resenting her blaming me for not making her happy.
Our first child came along 3 years after we married. Her parents flew out and he mum stayed with us for 4-5 months. She loved having her there but I felt like she was in the way - but I had no real right to complain. A year after he was born things were really bad. I suggested if she wasn’t happy then she might want to return home for a while. That while stretched for 16 months with a 3 week visit from me 12 months in (for his 2nd birthday). In that time we thought we’d talked things out and she returned in the beginning of 09. It was the last of my IM’s in March that year and for better or worse number 2 was conceived pretty much post-race, arriving Dec that year. Again her mum came out for a few months and the process started again. The strain showed some of my ‘finer’ points to the MIL. We managed to get through it but our relationship went up and down (troughs lower than the peaks mind you). This continued through another 2 years and then a third was conceived. About 4-5 months into the pregnancy we started going to counselling and we seemed to be making some ground. We liked the counsellor and we were trying the techniques. Then he had to relocate interstate and we never got around to arranging a new one. The cracks returned and we had our major bust up in Sept 2013, after which I moved down the road with family.
During our time apart we’ve had some ok times and we’ve had a few more heated discussions (when discussing where to from here). I went away and got my own counselling and treatment for depression. I made a few goes at trying to be the person I thought she wanted me to be but would lose momentum when I saw the traits of hers (I didn’t like) still on display and wondered why I was the only one making an effort. In her defence she’d said on many occasions that she’d passed the point of no return. But then from time to time would drop what appeared to be little olive branches of hope.
In the last few months I’d occasionally go up and spend somewhat quality time with her, putting the kids to bed and giving her extended massages. The occasional hug would be thrown in from time to time, much to the kids delight. In recent weeks I’d started trying to have the kids stay over with me down the road. The older two were fine but the youngest (21 months) was difficult in terms of where he could sleep and his needs during the night. I took her to the movies last week. To me it felt like a bit of a date. Alas she hadn’t been keen on the movie (Birdman) and within 5 minutes I realised it wasn’t really going to be her cup of tea and spent the rest of the movie thinking “shit!”. She had a bit of a laugh about it later but again the night still felt ok.
The weekend just gone she asked me to take the kids Fri and Sat nights. On Fri they were down the road with me. The youngest woke about 2:15am and was screaming for mummy. I spent the best part of 15 minutes trying to calm him to no avail. Our daughter was sleeping with us and both she and the older son were struggling to sleep. I told them I’d walk the youngest up the road (at 3am) and either pass him back to mum or sleep up there in more familiar surrounds. She was there (got back around midnight) and wasn’t thrilled that I’d dropped him back but I told her the other kids were suffering as a consequence. Saturday night she wanted to go out again so asked me to stay up there. Said I could sleep in our old bed and bring the youngest in (from his cot) if need be. I did that. I ended up texting her around 3am as she hadn’t returned - she never really tells me where she goes or who with; when we’ve argued this previously she claims that I’m a control freak for wanting to know. I was sort of checking that everything was ok. She said they were all still chatting away at another mum’s house. About 5:45am I went out and found her dozing on the couch. She was partially awake and I sat beside her and reached out for her. She rubbed my arm and I decided to lay next to her and try cuddling. She reciprocated. After about 15 minutes she suggested we go back to the bed where we lay in each other’s arms for the next two hours until all the kids came in and made it impossible to remain there. During that time I was thinking back to how it used to be when we first met and wishing I could erase all those years of fighting and neglect. That day she said she wanted to go out again, but said she would be coming back earlier and said to keep her side of the bed free. There was even some jokes about sex and I’d be lying if I didn’t say I got excited. The night came and midnight passed. 1am came and went and I texted her. She didn’t answer - which pissed me off because she’s a phone addict to all her friends but when it’s me the phone is all of a sudden out of earshot. I left a few annoyed messages saying I wanted to know she was alright. I called twice but not answer. Shortly after she responded saying the BBQ had loud music and she didn’t hear the phone. I hung up pretty quick and returned to bed. She got back around 3:30 and by now our son had been moved from the cot, after a crying fit for mum, and was now in the middle. There would be no cuddling tonight.
Though she sort of apologised by text that morning I let her know that I was upset she didn’t answer and that it could have been an emergency with the kids. I told her I was worried but the messages soon became a bit more heated and before long she was telling me to come up and discuss custody type arrangements because she wanted more certainty with her social life. The old argument points were there in force again but she was about as strong as she’d ever been about not turning back; regurgitating all my sins. I’ve never denied them but I told her she refuses to let me out of the negative box she’s painted for me, no matter what I do, and that she continually refuses to acknowledge her role in the failure.
I don’t know what it is that makes me not want to believe it’s over. She was always the dependent one (financially she still is) but it seems like she has this new group of mothers and has grown some wings. She’s also done a good job losing some weight - after I bought her a nice home gym - and she’s saying how she’s finally happy. It’s somewhat ironic that these were two things I told her she needed to do for herself early in our marriage to make herself feel better. I wasn’t calling her fat or anything, but she used to complain about her weight and I would try and get her the tools she needed to address it. The fact that she did nothing about it then nor made an effort to make her own friends was one of the reasons I lost interest in her - her lack of motivation.
Anyway I’m just finding it really hard to accept. Part of me thinks she still wants it to work and I questioned her on the cuddling, going to the movies etc. During the heated discussion she apologised for the cuddling and said she doesn’t know why she did it. She said it would never happen again. I told her it made me totally confused. I guess it’s the thought of seemingly throwing away 16 years of our life. All these little things like what to do with all the photos and items we bought each other. I feel a lot of attachment to it all. I’ve shed quite a few tears for our kids as well. I want them to have their perfect family. They always tell me they want me to stay there. Their faces would light up like the Griswald XMAS lights on the few occasions they would see us give each other a hug. Towards the end of the conversation she asked if I wanted a divorce. I started to cry and said no and she couldn’t understand why not. She claimed that when we met we were both in lows and filled a void in each other’s hearts. It was quite a statement from her as she has never really spoken like our relationship in that manner before. She would always romance it up.
Is it normal to feel this way given I have found it hard to pinpoint times during the marriage when it was great for me? We don’t seem to have a lot in common but we have shared a lot over the years. We’ve shared painful truths we never thought we’d share with another. The thought of starting over seems impossible. This has got to be the hardest thing I’ve ever faced in life and it sucks. I can’t help but wonder what could have been had I not been so into racing at the time. Would it have made a difference or, had we really just been filling a void, would something else have become the game changer? At least she isn’t talking tough in terms of lawyering up etc. She wants us to work it out ourselves and she says she wants nothing from me. I still can’t help wanting to make it up to her and right the wrongs. Sigh…